I'm so excited about my future!

OMG! Found out some good news today during my therapy session.. My therapist told me that one of her clients is willing to allow me to sit in to be a co-facilitator..so in a way I'm going to be a life coach while my therapist has her therpy session.. This will be another step getting closer to reaching my dream and goals. The fact that I can help another person just thrills me.. This of course has been things I've been talking about for quite some time already. I of course will not ever reveal anything private but if I can be like a life coach/ an unofficial type therapist without being a therapist it just means that I can gain more confidence and help another person with being happier.. Not only will I be able to help the person that is in a therapy session but this will help me as well..who knows where this will lead me..one step and one person at a time is what truly matters :) 

Jennifer Lawrence, you are amazing! Please stay who you are! :)

Today Jennifer Lawrence has become one of the best new actresses out there..she seems to be able to really shine and act with the best of them.

Jennifer Lawrence, I adore you and you are inspiring! You're just starting your career at the age of 22 right now plus you just won the Academy Award for best actress in a movie. I've seen your performance so far in 3 movies.. Hunger Games, Silver Linings Playbook and Winter's Bone.. I'm definitely happy and want to see more of your movies in the future both already made and still to come. But as someone who appreciates the arts and someone who truly cares about people in this world..I encourage you to keep your head strong and remember where you are today. So many people have either let the pressures of fame or outside influences get to them. I know you are a srong woman and actress but that can easily unravel overnight practically. Am I a fan? Yes. But I'm also someone who has seen bad things happen to so many people for whatever reason. 

I hope as long as you enjoy acting that you have a long and successful career. Be sure that you know that you will always have people who support you and adore you! I have gone through so much in my life already that I can't afford to throw away everything I've accomplished just to give in to either non supporters or any kind of influence that may damage my goas and dreams. You are a shining star Jennifer Lawrence and even if you hadn't taken acting as a career you'd still be a shining star. I want you to own your moments in life and continue to show the world what your made of no matter who easy or difficult things get. I've finally been able to do that in the past couple of years and I'm already 38 almost 39.. I finally realized who I am and what I need to do as a person..it's still going to be a long and difficult road ahead of me but at least I didn't wait until it was too late. I finally feel like I'm living my 2nd life now not just because I'm a transgendered woman but also because I'm finally happy and can truly be myself by pushing myself and being positive. 

I don't know if this blog will ever reach you Jennifer but I know that as long as I am true to myself and never give up on anything I aspire to do..anything is possible..just like Silver Linings Playbook..I may have a chance at that Silver Lining :) 

Keep your head above water Jennifer and stay strong! Remember the people who love you and your career will never die! 

An overreaction which really disappointed me

Something happened a few days ago that has been on my mind but I feel I must get in the open and help people understand what it's like to be transgendered.

Someone who I thought was a friend overreacted regarding a conversation I had. A few days ago I was having a conversation with a friend, asking how she was doing. She said she was on her monthly which was painful and she was glad it was just about over.. I had said that I would gladly have her monthly instead of her and have the bone strucure along with everything else that a woman has so I would finally know what it's like to be a woman. She completely overreacted and disappointed me. I wasn't upset as I was hurt even after I tried to reason with her I was told that I demeaned her and every woman that has to go through that monthly process. 

Well I didn't respond to her personally anymore but I did tweet about somethng that she fails to understand whether she says she was my friend or not and that is that she may think I don't know what it's like to have a monthly but she fails to undersand to know what it's like to be transgendered. And this morning I thought about it even more and I have something else to add to that... She has a burden that she has to go through once a month for about a week...I have to go through this burden for the rest of my life, every day, every week, every month, every year, and every decade until the day I die.

I have lived with the fact that I wanted to be female since 1993..and that was only the year I realized but deep down inside I probably have lived with that pain a lot longer without even fully knowing what I needed to realize. Then from 1993 to 2009 I struggled with soul searching and research to figure out what I was going to do with the rest of my life as far as being female being born male that is. 

There are so many people out there that commit suicide because either they get turned away from loved ones and friends being transgendered or just struggling to figure out if being the opposite sex is truly the person that they need to be.

I would never demean a woman for what she has to go through every month..but at the same time..I will never ever fully know what it's like to be woman because certain things will never be changed for me and no matter how happy I am and how far I will or have come..there will always be an underlining pain that all transgendered people will have to live with for the rest of their lives that no man or woman who is happy in their own skin can never understand! 

When I said that I would gladly have a monthly just to know what it's like to be female...I was in reference to Data of Star Trek: The Next Generation or Pinnochio and/or David from the movie A.I. I even tried to explain that to my friend at the time but I was told that it was a horrible thing to say and that the conversation needs to end right there. 

I will never ever ever ever apologize for bringing that conversation up. Why? Because again..I'm transgendered and I have a pain no matter how deep I keep it..it will always be there. I can never fully enjoy all the apsects of what it's like to be a woman..and to be shot down and told that I demean women or her completely through me a suprise but at the same time this is something that has inspired me to share with the world because so many people do not understand what it's like to be transgendered even if they say they do. 

Yes I get it..the monthly is painful...but at the same time without it there would be no children to bear...It's a disgusting process but it's also the natural cycle of life...that biological women have to go through... women are shaped differently than men..women think differently than men..and women go through different experiences than men... guess what..not only will I not ever fully understand what it's like to be a woman but I also have to live with being partly male and have to deal with being transgendered for the rest of my life..it's like Scarlet Letter.

So I ask everyone out there..was I wrong to say what I did when I was just being innocent and letting someone know that even though I'm happy with who I am that I would love to wish for more? Or did I completely miss the boat and just not have the same dreams that other people have? Demeaning women is not part of my vocabulary..And if I truly did demean a woman I would definitely own up to it..but in this case I know I didn't deman her or any other woman on the planet. I am happy in my own skin but I'm also in transition for the rest of my life and that is a heavy heavy burden that I'm not sure everyone will understand. Am I stronger person being transgendered rather than being biological female..Probably because now I'm seeing things from both sides but that still doesn't mean I have to like it...

Dear Rebbeca Marino, don't give up please!!

Dear Rebbeca Marino-

I hope this blog finds your way.. I am so sorry that there are so many people in social media that are attacking you for one reason or another. Being Transgendered I know what that is like but in the past few years while being on social media myself I've found a way to ignore those so called haters, cyber bullies or whatever else you may want to call them. Some people have told me that I spend way too much time on Twitter but I have found that it was a tool to help me understand what it takes to stay strong and keep going with my goals and dreams. In the past 3 years I have found myself overcoming many things including divorce, transitioning and even cyber bullying. I also have found myself achieving more goals little by little because I'm becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin. I also take things on my own pace by making sure I'm not overwhelmed. There have been times that I wanted to quit my goals and the things that I'm going after but at the end I realized that how would I be able to accomplish what I want most if I give up.. I always tell myself and get reminded by other people that I have come a long way and even though I have a long way to go still that compared to where I was, it's a huge distance of a step in the right direction that I want to be.

I've finally realized that I need to be the best person I need to be and just be myself no matter who out there is going to dislike me. Not everyone is going to appreciate what I've done or who I am but I know that there are enough people out there that will appreciate me because I'm not being someone who I'm not. I know that there times that I wasn't being myself and that includes before I transitioned. Finally being a woman or Trans woman has been the best thing I could have ever done because now I'm fully happy and I don't have all these things running in my head making me feel like I can't be happy or do what I want to do. Transitioning has opened more doors for me including wanting to give back and help people such as you! I have always enjoyed making people happy and helping others who may have problems and/or issues.

The point I'm trying to make is that if you give up now you may not know how happy you really are down the road...it can be so easy to give up and not continue to follow through with what makes you happy but then you may find yourself wondering the rest of your life what might have been. If tennis is truly what makes you happy then continue to play...but if you give up that talent make sure it's the right thing to do for yourself not because someone else's influence or because people are going to give you a hard time.. there will always people out there that may never like you..as I read on twittter once.. Jesus only had 12 followers while Hitler had 10's or 100 of thousands of followers... Be the person you need to be by being happy not the person for the wrong reason.

I am by no reason perfect or don't act like I don't have flaws..I do have my own issues but giving up is not one of them...neither should you..you have been given a talent and I really truly believe that you shouldn't give up on them..you have people who care about you and love you. I'm not perfect or even a therapist but I do care about people in this world especially who inspire me..you are one of them because you are living your dream..I'm just finally doing something about mine and I know that I still have a long way to go but I'm going to keep on going and keep fighting by not letting anyone stand in my way or tell me that I'm not worth it..Please don't give up! I hope these words help but they are from my heart and if there is anything else I can say or questions to be answered I'm here!

Don't mess with Natalie Maines, she has inspired me with my life as well :)

Not Ready To Make Nice by the Dixie Chicks is such an inspiring song that it has such life on it's own... I feel like my life is just like in that song..I live my life for my choosing for how I feel I need to be fulfilled not for anyone else. I am going to have people tell me that I'm wrong for doing this or that I'm an idiot for doing that..but at the end I am happy for me! I'm not going to apologize or live my life just because anyone thinks I should...What kind of person would I be as an INDIVIDUAL to have a life of FREEWILL if I constantly lived my life for the way other people want me too? I have been give the gift of life..some Christians think that God doesn't make mistakes and that I should live my life the way I was born...Well what good what that do if I lived my life in fear, in doubt and in confusion..isn't confusion a sin after all? I mean what good would it do if I continued to live my life by worrying or thinking that I should have done this or that. I'm not here to on this planet because of someone else's rules I'm here for my life to be happy to serve happiness for people and cheer them up..I don't know if there is a God or not but I can't believe that everything in the universe is just mere coincidence..everything happens for a reason..it's my calling from an unknown power in the universe to do some good in this world whether people want to agree or not.

Those who don't agree need to figure out their own path in this universe..those who do agree are people who aren't normal but rather living their own life and found a purpose to be happy...I'm glad there are so many people on this planet that are not normal but are happy and content to coexist and live for or around others..The gift of life I no longer take likely and I'm going to continue to take the world by my hands and do what I need to do that makes everything feel right or has Waylon Jennings once sang.. "Whatever Gets You Through The Night"

That's the way everything should live just like that song and just like Natalie Maines and the Dixie Chicks with "Not Ready To Make Nice" I should have to justify myself or do anything that makes anyone ELSE happy but only do what makes me happy to do what I need to be happy for myself which includes doing great things for other people.

I'm not going to stop no matter what anyone else thinks, says or whatever..it's my life not anyone else's if you have a problem with it, tough cookies..I won't stoop down anyone's level..I forgive people but doesn't mean I have to do what they tell me or fail to achieve what my heart desires!